Episode XXXV: WHY?

Episode XXXV


 Today’s Words of Wisdom:

“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.”

~ The Rolling Stones

 The Foda’s Take: I find this quote very uplifting, because it reminds us to see the bigger picture. What we want is fleeting, and often temporary. Once we get it, we celebrate for a minute, and then go off in search of the next item on our Wish List. But what we need is pretty standard for most human beings. And once you start to think about that, well, it doesn’t take a Jedi Master to know the difference.

 G’day, folks! I’ve had this song spinning through my head for several days now- and not just because it’s played at the end of the first episode of House which just appeared on Netflix…. okay, totally for that reason… but it got me thinking. About what, you ask? About life and struggle and the big WHY’S that jumble us up and make us question things like fate, God, or destiny. My big WHY for the past three years has been: WHY can’t I get better when I’m doing everything I possibly can towards that end? It’s not like I’m sitting back and letting this chronic Lyme have free reign to wreak havoc, or like I got this way by living slovenly on McDonald’s every meal.


<drop to knees, hands reaching towards the heavens>


Ahem. Yes. Why? I’ve been searching for years to find a reason that will make me understand why this has happened to me. After all, if there’s a reason, an endgame, that would make it more bearable, yes? No one likes to think they’re suffering for nothing.

And last week, after years of searching… I found out why.

I’ve been unable to work full time for years because of the severity of my condition, and once it escalated a little over six months ago, I stopped being able to work altogether. Naturally, this induced a month or two of woe is me and why, God, why. Then I got to the point where I knew I’d have to accept my current limitations and learn to contribute grace and beauty and art to the world, even though I couldn’t leave my own house. So I began writing. Not only this blog, but a YA fantasy novel involving a girl named Amy Wells. And last week- I finished it. The first draft, that is. And I know there’s still several months ahead of me where I’ll be editing it and making it as fabulous as possible- but I don’t care. Because during a time when I couldn’t do much more on my own besides fix a meal or take a shower… I wrote a book!!!! And that, my friends, is something I’ll be able to leave behind in the world. That will be part of my legacy. That is a great WHY. Because I don’t think I’d ever have delved into writing had I not gotten sick. I was happy with my life. But now I’ve accomplished this huge thing- despite all my limitations.

In your face, Lyme!!! HA!

And you know the funny thing? The other day, I was sitting outside with Mandalf, soaking up the sun, and he said: “I bet you’d give up this book in an instant if you could go back and take away the past thee years of being sick.” And you know what? I hesitated. And it was in that moment that I realized how important this accomplishment was to me. Not just because it’s something most people never do- but because I did it in the face of adversity. And when dealing with a disease that often makes me feel weak and “special” for all the wrong reasons, I really needed something good to come out of this so that I could define myself not just as a girl with chronic Lyme Disease, but as a girl fighting for her health back who used her journey to create…..THIS. 

So what I want? Is to get healthy. But what I needed? Was to find a way for my life to matter while I wait.

And now? I have that. And it feels freaking AMAZING.

So hold on, dear readers. And ask yourselves- what do I need right now to make me feel proud and empowered and valuable? And then go for it. Use your difficult journey as fuel. Because it feels SO good to accomplish something despite the odds. Kind of like Han Solo flying into an asteroid field. “Never tell me the odds!” And look how that turned out for him? Spoiler alert: totally nailed it.

Novelly yours,

The Foda

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