“Big Wheel Keep On Turning”

Big Wheel Keep On Turning”

 Today’s Words of Wisdom:

“Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle.”

~Martin Luther King Jr.

 The Foda’s Take: Oh, good. So I must be doing something right!

 So, fall is fast approaching, and due to my current sloth-like level of function, I’m once more unable to return to work. (Both Mandalf and I are teachers by day and writers by night.) Now for those of you who teach, you know the most stressful time of the year is by far the beginning. And given what’s been happening with me lately, there’s already a lot of stress to go ‘round. Mandalf’s solution? Welp, he’s decided to combat the craziness by learning how to ride a motorcycle. (There may be some other reasons at play here. Like the fact that we’ve been forced to live lives far beyond our young years. Which makes a premature mid-life crisis totally understandable, don’t you agree?)

Now, I know what you’re thinking. But Foda, you can barely walk, and he’s getting a motorcycle?! Well that seems unfair! But don’t cry for me, Argentina. I’m getting a new set of wheels too. No, no, not a blue mini cooper with white racing stripes. (Only car I’ve ever lusted after. Probably because it’s the only car besides a Jeep Wrangler I can recognize on sight. I don’t exactly speak car. Meaning you need to point to one and say “That one over there. No, the black one.The big black one. The big black one next to the small silver one. Yes. That one.” Otherwise I will give you a blank look and you will judge me and I will guilt-trip you for that.) But I digress.

So this week I’m getting a wheelchair. And while I was resistant for a long time, now I’m finally accepting how many doors this may open for me. Like going outside. Having picnics. Enjoying the sunshine. Pretending I’m on an Alaskan dogsled and yelling for Mandalf to “MUSH!!!”

Hey. Don’t give me that look. He’s a strong man. And this is real-life resistance training, people. I am doing him a favor. 

Now I’m not going to lie. I’m going to feel self-conscious. It’s going to be hard. I still can’t believe I’ve been this sick for this long at this age, especially with a full diagnosis and a world expert for my doctor. But I’m wondering if it will be better being in the chair than seeing the looks I get when I try to walk. (Which makes me look, as I love to say, like an arthritic baby ostrich.)

So this month, Mandalf gets a motorcycle and I get a wheelchair. Not exaaaaaaactly the same thing, but I will be putting on my leather jacket and old cycling fingerless gloves when we cruise around. And it will be awesome.

Off to See if Mandalf Will Help Me Make Donuts in the Parking Lot,

The Foda

“The Worst Question In The World”

Today’s Free Write Poem is dedicated to anyone who’s suffering through a long-term chronic illness, whether as the patient, or as the chronic caregivers who step knowingly out of the realm of normalcy and into the struggle.

The Worst Question in the World

 The worst question in the world

When your world crumbles

Is how are you?

No one ever told me this

How the day might come when I would dread seeing a friendly face

Knowing I have no answer to give

Besides a stammer and a lie or a one-two-three brush off that leaves you sticky and quilled

“I’m fine” is the armor I may choose

To keep their eyes from churning in shades of “what do I say” and “this shouldn’t be”

Of “my life’s hard too” or “I know someone like you”

Of “keep your chin up” and “stay positive”

What did you think I was doing

All this time?

But it’s not their fault

For asking the question

When the answer beguiles

Unsuitably sad

The problem is the corded snake

Tied about my neck

Holding me down and taking my air

Filling my stomach with sluices of juices too bitter to spew

And it’s really not you

It’s the question itself that begets this conflict

Do I lie

Say I’m fine

Make you think I’m okay

Or do I answer I’m broken

I’m in pieces and praying for glue or for God and I’m tired, so tired, and it’s hard to go on

Now the conflicted one is you

You don’t know what to say, what to do, this isn’t how it’s supposed to go

You were just saying hi

And I was supposed to say “fine”

And what are you supposed to say now that I’ve shown you my cards

And the sight makes you

Flush

So I smile and I lie

Say I’m doing just fine

For the problem’s not you or the question or the blues

It’s the scab of my world

And if I pick it off for you

Show you what’s underneath

Will I bleed longer still?

“Recycled Hope”

“Recycled Hope”

 Hi, everyone!

So, since the creation of this blog back in January, I have worked to use this site as a place of hope, mindfulness, and inspiration. But there’s only one problem with that. When times are rough- or in my case, rougher than the normal roughness that comes with a chronic illness, I find myself hesitant to post. Which is why I’ve gone from three solid posts per week down to one in the past several weeks. It’s not that I have nothing to say. It’s just that what I have to say is sad. And that’s not exactly inspirational, now, is it?

But it’s real. Right now I’m at a new bottom. I’ve gone from struggling to walk 5-10 minutes a day to struggling to walk to the bathroom. It’s hard to hold my arms up to type or eat, which is another reason why I haven’t been writing as much lately. This week I got a script from my doctor for a wheelchair and it’s likely I’ll be applying for a PICC line in the coming weeks. Holding up my head while sitting can feel like a herculean effort. I’m 29. I’m back to being a dependent. And this is really sad.

But I can’t omit this part anymore, or keep waiting to post when I feel better, because that would be like going on Facebook and seeing all the happy posts and smiling pictures, which make you think “man, they’ve got it all…” without remembering you’re only seeing what has been carefully selected for public consumption.

I started this blog because I wanted to be inspirational, and because I believe in finding strength and purpose through tribulation. Sadly, I’m not feelin’ the inspirational part yet. My story will be inspirational when I’m well, and I can say: this is how bad I got and look where I am today! Or when I can honestly say that I have complete faith and hope for the future, despite still being sick. But for now, I’m face down in the trenches. It’s ugly. It’s raw. It’s not fit for public consumption. But it’s also apparently not going away.

So, hi. How are you? My life is really tough right now. And that’s hard for me to say because I don’t want pity or a pep-talk or for one more well-meaning person to instruct me to “try to stay positive” if I’m honest about how bad things are. (I prefer “I’m here for you” or even the blunt “that really sucks.” “Try to stay positive” implies I haven’t been working my keister off doing just that.) Still, I’m hanging on by my fingertips, knowing that someday this will all be worth it, when I can assure someone else just like me that there is hope.

So in the meantime, I’m living on recycled hope. It’s been so long since I’ve seen any proof, any sign that I’ll get better, that my hope has gotten stretched pretty thin. I’ve been using the same batch for so long, its potency is starting to diminish. Have you ever felt like that?

Sidebar- It is odd I just imagined a wide cartoon ribbon of rosy hope popping up before me and cheering : “Go Green!” with a big thumbs up? 

Yes. Yes it is.

Off to Stare at My Cat until He Does Something Adorable,

The Foda

P.S. He’s sleeping. Damn, that’s cute.

Green Living: Happiness in a Bottle: Evan Healy Hydrosols

Green Living: Happiness in a Bottle: Evan Healy Hydrosols

 Howdy folks! Hmm… am just now realizing I say “howdy” a lot in my posts… apparently my writing alter-ego, besides being green, is also from Texas. Which, in point of fact, I am… not… Fascinating.

Anywho! Today I’d like to talk about one of my favorite green products right now: the Evan Healy hydrosol! This line has several hydrosols to choose from depending on your skin’s need, and they are all ranked excellently on the EWG website, which analyzes and ranks products from 1-10, with 10 being the most toxic. These hydrosols are AMAZING! They come in a lovely glass bottle with beautiful mantras inscribed on the back, so every time you lift it to spray your face, you get a built in saying along with your senses-soother! What’s even more awesome is the unique way they distill the essential oils in that they process them at a low heat over a long period of time, instead of the way most companies do, which is on a high heat over a short period of time. This helps keep the integrity of the nutrients, instead of burning them off.

So why do I call this “happiness in a bottle?” I’ve come to call these hydrosols my “happy juice.” True story. As in, “today’s been really rough; I think I need another shot of happy juice.” Then I simply walk over to the bathroom, pick up my bottle, and mist it all over my face, breathing in the delicious goodness. It’s a treat for the skin AND your smile! And for people like me who are chemical sensitive and can’t tolerate perfumes or even scented products, these are natural enough that they don’t irritate at all.

Oh, and one more thing. They don’t just smell great. They actually really help your skin. I have very oily skin, so at first, I didn’t think a hydrosol would help; I just got my first one for the scent. (Tulsi Holy Basil hydrosol. Ah. Ma. Zing. Amazing. Holy Basil is also really good for the respiratory and neurological system.) But then I got the Lemon and Thyme hydrosol, designed for oily skin. I’ve been using that three times a day for over a month, and it’s worked wonders to help balance my skin! I use it before my Dr. Alkaitis toner (another amazing line I’ll discuss at a later time) as well as to set my makeup, and after I clean my face at night. The smell isn’t as delectable as the Tulsi Basil hydrosol, but it works wonders!

Once again, I feel I should just mention that I am in no way affiliated with Evan Healy. I just want to spread the joy.

So if you’re looking for a pick-me-up in a bottle that’s non-toxic, check out this line. There’s a Lavender one that’s divine for spraying on your pillow at night if you have trouble sleeping. You are WELCOME, insomniacs!

Happy Misting!

Sssnnnnniiiifffffffffffff!!! Ahhhhhhh.

The Foda

P.S. Want to know where you can find these? Check out www.EvanHealy.com and look under “Facial Tonics” or use the links provided above. Many can also be found on Amazon.

Musical Star Wars Parody: “The Mos Eisley Mosey”

Hi, everyone! Sooooo, this is what happens when you’re a huge Star Wars nerd stuck inside for too long… Enjoy!

 “The Mos Eisley Mosey”

(To the tune  of “The Cantina Band” by John Williams )

Lyrics and vocals by: The Female Yoda

Music by: John Williams  

Sick and cannot leave my home and I’m going a little bit crazy

How I wish that I could roam to the place where they say Han shot Greedo

Scum and villainy aside, it’s the best place to catch a ride

To another galaxy

That’s where I’d like to be

 Nose won’t drip

On a ship

Sniffling is for mynocks

Hyperspace is a place

You can jump through time in

Gravity

Takes a seat

So you’re not so tired

Stuffy head, stuck in bed? Dance with me

on Mos Eisley

 Spoken:

 Grab your banthas boys

We’re goin’ out

 Move your feet

Right to the beat

And shake your hips

But be discreet

A shimmy here

A wiggle there

And flick your hair

Without a care

Only fever in the air’s the Cantina heat

 You don’t have to overdo the sulking around or looking like a grumpy face

This is a dream so dance all around

The cantina band will keep playing for you

Lose the tissue box and the old fuzzy socks for your dancing shoes;

Shake your head to the blues

And start a-swayin’, betrayin’

The good mood you’re conveyin’

Guzzle down a bantha juice and

Dance like it’s for Jabba

Tell someone you’re their father

 Spoken:

 That’s not true. That’s impossible!!! Nooooo!!!!!!

DROID DANCE BREAK: (Interlude)

 Sick and cannot leave my home and I’m going a little bit crazy

How I wish that I could roam to the place where they say Han shot Greedo

Scum and villainy aside, it’s the best place to catch a ride

To another galaxy

in the Mos Eisley

Canti(na!)

 Uh-oh. Overstayed our welcome. Sigh. I’m going back to bed. Calm down, I’m leaving. 

(sound of bottle dropping)

Sorry!!!