So, since the creation of this blog back in January, I have worked to use this site as a place of hope, mindfulness, and inspiration. But there’s only one problem with that. When times are rough- or in my case, rougher than the normal roughness that comes with a chronic illness, I find myself hesitant to post. Which is why I’ve gone from three solid posts per week down to one in the past several weeks. It’s not that I have nothing to say. It’s just that what I have to say is sad. And that’s not exactly inspirational, now, is it?
But it’s real. Right now I’m at a new bottom. I’ve gone from struggling to walk 5-10 minutes a day to struggling to walk to the bathroom. It’s hard to hold my arms up to type or eat, which is another reason why I haven’t been writing as much lately. This week I got a script from my doctor for a wheelchair and it’s likely I’ll be applying for a PICC line in the coming weeks. Holding up my head while sitting can feel like a herculean effort. I’m 29. I’m back to being a dependent. And this is really sad.
But I can’t omit this part anymore, or keep waiting to post when I feel better, because that would be like going on Facebook and seeing all the happy posts and smiling pictures, which make you think “man, they’ve got it all…” without remembering you’re only seeing what has been carefully selected for public consumption.
I started this blog because I wanted to be inspirational, and because I believe in finding strength and purpose through tribulation. Sadly, I’m not feelin’ the inspirational part yet. My story will be inspirational when I’m well, and I can say: this is how bad I got and look where I am today! Or when I can honestly say that I have complete faith and hope for the future, despite still being sick. But for now, I’m face down in the trenches. It’s ugly. It’s raw. It’s not fit for public consumption. But it’s also apparently not going away.
So, hi. How are you? My life is really tough right now. And that’s hard for me to say because I don’t want pity or a pep-talk or for one more well-meaning person to instruct me to “try to stay positive” if I’m honest about how bad things are. (I prefer “I’m here for you” or even the blunt “that really sucks.” “Try to stay positive” implies I haven’t been working my keister off doing just that.) Still, I’m hanging on by my fingertips, knowing that someday this will all be worth it, when I can assure someone else just like me that there is hope.
So in the meantime, I’m living on recycled hope. It’s been so long since I’ve seen any proof, any sign that I’ll get better, that my hope has gotten stretched pretty thin. I’ve been using the same batch for so long, its potency is starting to diminish. Have you ever felt like that?
Sidebar- It is odd I just imagined a wide cartoon ribbon of rosy hope popping up before me and cheering : “Go Green!” with a big thumbs up?
Yes. Yes it is.
Off to Stare at My Cat until He Does Something Adorable,
P.S. He’s sleeping. Damn, that’s cute.