Category Archives: Humor

“Jawas Say, Utini: Or How to Be Awesome in 2015”

“Jawas Say, Utini: Or How to Be Awesome in 2015”

A Life on Purpose.

What a cool phrase! And so “now” considering we’re all still fresh-faced and strong-willed with our 2015 resolutions.

Which I was reminded of the other day when I went to purchase yoga pants online and saw they’ve all magically reverted to full price since the new year when they were previously on sale. “Huh?” I thought. And then I realized. Oh, yeah. This is the time of year people buy yoga pants. Like a new outfit will make you work out more. Which I probably shouldn’t say with such an air of condescension, seeing as I was looking to buy them under the theory that if I wore them around the house, I’d be more likely to stretch and meditate between bouts of writing…

Foot. In. Mouth. Bleck. Moving on.

Theretofore, today I’d like to offer you an awesome tip from the magnificent Mandalf on how to maximize purpose in your life: Make a list of three things every morning that you want to accomplish that day. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Only three? But, Foda, I have, like, a million! Yes, only three. Because if you put down more than that, you’ll get overwhelmed, and do less. But if you put down three reasonable goals, it’s more likely you’ll succeed in a timely fashion… and then if you want to, you can channel all that celebratory energy into doing some more!

Or, you know, just kick back and pop open something fizzy. That too.

Mandalf calls these GTDs. Goals of the Day. But I– Star Wars aficionado that I am– call them OOTNI. Obtainable Objectives To Not Ignore. Why, do you ask? Because when you string them together, it sounds like: “Oooteenee!!!!”

You know, the Jawa cry? Utini! <— Score, totally found a sound bite on YouTube.

Yes, I did that on purpose. And yes, I may have had to look up words that begin with “O” to make this anagram work. (Don’t judge.)

Anyway, give it a shot, see how it works for you. I know it’s really helped me, especially on days when I’m feeling more Lymey than normal, because in the space of a few minutes I’ve assessed where I’m at, what I can realistically accomplish, and then once I’m done, I’m filled with a very satisfactory tingle of self-appreciation. Ooh, tingly!

And even if you don’t try it, just sounding the battle cry should make you feel better. Providing you’re a dork. (And if you’re not, really, what are you doing here?)

Utini!!!!

The Foda

An Open Letter to My Insurance Company

An Open Letter to My Insurance Company,

Dear Sir or Madam,

I hereby humbly suggest that you reconsider your denial of my petition for a PICC line so that I may receive IV therapy for an illness that has plagued me for over three years straight. While I appreciate your statement that there is not enough medical proof that having this treatment will help me, considering I had a PICC line for four weeks three years ago (and naturally the thought that I may have been bitten by another tick and infected with other co-infections that I did not have before has obviously not occurred to you) let me educate you on one simple fact. I have tried EVERYTHING. This is my last and best option for getting well. And while your suggestion that I pay out of pocket is adorable, I must ask you how many subscribers you have who can’t work due to a debilitating illness have the cash to spare for a treatment which would cost more than it would take to buy a used car for just one month of treatment? At the risk of sounding crass, I believe you know where you can put that suggestion.

In summation, may I remind you that my doctor, one of the few world-class physicians actually literate in this complex and devastating disease, believes that this is a treatment I need to get well, as he has exhausted every antibiotic option with me as well as several herbal, homeopathic, and dietary, over the past year. Therefore, I ask you to kindly reconsider your denial of my claim. Because, to put it bluntly, I’ve already had to give up standard human privileges like, say, walking, driving, working, general happiness, and consuming copious amounts of gluten, dairy, and sugar.

Shall I break it down further? My body is falling apart. I have not been able to leave my residence without assistance for over thirteen months. I subsist on a handful of meals designed to provide as little inflammation as possible. I plan my days around taking medication, supplements, and tinctures every couple hours. My nervous system is as mangled as a switch board after an electrical fire. And you have it within your power to grant me access to the last modicum of hope I have left.

Use this power well. Because if you don’t, well…

Karma’s a bitch. 

Sincerely yours,

The Foda

 

Musical Star Wars Parody: “The Mos Eisley Mosey”

Hi, everyone! Sooooo, this is what happens when you’re a huge Star Wars nerd stuck inside for too long… Enjoy!

 “The Mos Eisley Mosey”

(To the tune  of “The Cantina Band” by John Williams )

Lyrics and vocals by: The Female Yoda

Music by: John Williams  

Sick and cannot leave my home and I’m going a little bit crazy

How I wish that I could roam to the place where they say Han shot Greedo

Scum and villainy aside, it’s the best place to catch a ride

To another galaxy

That’s where I’d like to be

 Nose won’t drip

On a ship

Sniffling is for mynocks

Hyperspace is a place

You can jump through time in

Gravity

Takes a seat

So you’re not so tired

Stuffy head, stuck in bed? Dance with me

on Mos Eisley

 Spoken:

 Grab your banthas boys

We’re goin’ out

 Move your feet

Right to the beat

And shake your hips

But be discreet

A shimmy here

A wiggle there

And flick your hair

Without a care

Only fever in the air’s the Cantina heat

 You don’t have to overdo the sulking around or looking like a grumpy face

This is a dream so dance all around

The cantina band will keep playing for you

Lose the tissue box and the old fuzzy socks for your dancing shoes;

Shake your head to the blues

And start a-swayin’, betrayin’

The good mood you’re conveyin’

Guzzle down a bantha juice and

Dance like it’s for Jabba

Tell someone you’re their father

 Spoken:

 That’s not true. That’s impossible!!! Nooooo!!!!!!

DROID DANCE BREAK: (Interlude)

 Sick and cannot leave my home and I’m going a little bit crazy

How I wish that I could roam to the place where they say Han shot Greedo

Scum and villainy aside, it’s the best place to catch a ride

To another galaxy

in the Mos Eisley

Canti(na!)

 Uh-oh. Overstayed our welcome. Sigh. I’m going back to bed. Calm down, I’m leaving. 

(sound of bottle dropping)

Sorry!!! 

“The Smile Builder: Five Days in Five Ways”

Hey, everybody! First of all, I want to apologize for the absence of the Chronic Funnies over the past several weeks. It’s not that I’m discontinuing them, it’s just that I haven’t been feeling particularly funny during my latest dip. But fear not, because I have a plan! This is why I created a 5 day challenge I’m calling The Smile Builder. I hope you join along with me and give it a go!

 The Smile Builder: Five Days in Five Ways

 Warning: Excessive silliness, improved mood, and lack of caring what others think may be a permanent side effect.

 Day One: 

  1. Sit on a firm pillow and meditate for 5 minutes.
  2. Pick a favorite song and sing it at the top of your lungs
  3. Find a mirror, look at it, and say: “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”
  4. Write down one good thing that happened that day and stick it under your pillow. Read before bed.
  5. Choose either five minutes of yogic stretching focused on hip area, or if too fatigued, choose to attempt yogic laughter: the act of forcing yourself to laugh for as long as you can. Tip: attempt with a partner or mirror for maximum results.

Day Two: 

  1. Sit on a firm pillow and meditate for 6 minutes.
  2. Pick a favorite song and sing it in the shower. Whilst serenading your shampoo bottle.
  3. Find a mirror, look at it, and say: “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
  4. Write down two good things that happened that day and stick it under your pillow. Read before bed.
  5. Choose either five minutes of yogic stretching focused on gentle spinal twists, or if too fatigued, choose to attempt yogic laughter.

Day Three: 

  1. Sit on a firm pillow and meditate for 7 minutes.
  2. Pick a favorite song and sing it at the top of your lungs while deliberately subbing in words that make you giggle.
  3. Find a mirror, look at it, and say: “You would not part an old man from his walking stick?” Double points for speaking in a British accent.
  4. Write down two good things and one random thing that happened that day and stick it under your pillow. Read before bed.
  5. Choose either five minutes of yogic stretching focusing on hips/spine, or if too fatigued, choose to attempt yogic laughter.

Day Four: 

  1. Sit on a firm pillow and meditate for 8 minutes.
  2. Pick a favorite song and sing it at the top of your lungs while patting your fingers over your open mouth really, really fast. Other option: sing into oscillating fan.
  3. Find a mirror, look at it, and say: “Expecto Patronum!”
  4. Write down two good things that happened that day and one prediction for tomorrow, and stick it under your pillow. Read before bed.
  5. Choose either five minutes of yogic stretching focusing on hips/spine, or if too fatigued, choose to attempt yogic laughter.

Day Five:

  1. Sit on a firm pillow and meditate for 10 minutes. (Yes, we are skipping from 8-10. Don’t worry. You can handle it.)
  2. Pick a favorite song and sing it at the top of your lungs while taking out all the consonants. In other words, make like a flying monkey from Oz and sing only with vowels. (Sidebar- anyone else used to think they were singing “oreo”?!!) Ooo-eee-oooo….. 
  3. Find a mirror, look at it, and say: “Better out than in, I always say!”
  4. Try and remember every good thing you wrote down over the past four days and put it under your pillow. Read before bed.
  5. Choose five minutes of gentle yogic stretching focusing on hips/spine, or if too fatigued, do it anyway.

Hope you enjoy this 5 day challenge! Feel free to let me know how it goes by tweeting me @thefemaleyoda and using #smilebuilder.

Putting the Cheer in Cheerio,

The Foda

“The Foda’s Ten Theories of Absolutes”

“The Foda’s Ten Theories of Absolutes”

 Today’s Words of Wisdom:

“It’s partly true, too, but it isn’t all true. People always think something’s all true.”

~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

 The Foda’s Take: Okay, J.D. You got me. I definitely do that. But at the same time, to live in a world of conviction means to live a life awake. Living in passive gradients of grey begets a sleepy life. (Pause as you admire the poetic beauty of that statement. D’joh!) So today I say to Salinger: “absolute power corrupts absolutely!” Oh, wait, that doesn’t support my stance at all….

 Hi, folks! I hope you enjoyed last week’s post on cancer, bravery, and Harry Potter by Words from the Sowul writer Leanne Sowul. I was thrilled she agreed to guest post for me, and I couldn’t have been happier with her poignant and heartfelt post.

Now let’s get back to my argument with Salinger. Are you ready for this? Are you sure? Okay, here goes. Dear Salinger: You must not like dogs. Why, you may ask? Because dogs see the world in black and white. And dogs are awesome. Ergo, Salinger dislikes things that are awesome. Love, The Foda. Sidebar: I actually completely agree with him, but go with me here….Discovering our own absolutes: that’s awesome. It allows us to decide with confidence: This or that. Good or bad. Star Wars or Star Trek. So today, instead of getting into why I should be searching for Middle Earth…. (heh. heh heh. Hobbits.) I am going to take this extremist theory and go with it. Which is why I sat down and created my list of ten theoretical theories of absolutes. So here we go!

The Foda’s Ten Theoretical Theories of Absolutes

1) I have a theory that there are two types of women in this world: ones that can pull off hoop earrings, and ones that can’t. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

2) In this world, we have two types of people. Those who go through life asleep, and those who go through life awake. This theory does not apply to narcoleptics.

3) People who believe there is no such thing as a guilty pleasure- just a wide variety of things that can make you smile- are happier, more confident people. Mainly because they don’t associate indulgence with guilt. Which means they have obviously never eaten an entire cheesecake in one sitting.

4) Anyone who tells you that you can only be a cat or a dog person is clearly trying to compensate for something. Mainly, a lack of imagination. I, myself, am a giraffe person.

5) Plants grow better if you talk to them. Plants that talk back should be regarded with caution.

6) Anyone who knows that the first melodic interval of the Star Wars theme-song is a perfect fifth should be rewarded free drinks for life by the Cantina band on Mos Eisley. (If, you know, it was a real place.) Anyone who doesn’t know that is a) not a musician, or b) doesn’t know the movie, which catapults them directly to c) not cool. Geek Power!!!

7) People who march to the beat of their own drum own a drum. Or have very loud shoes.

8) Life would be better if people burst into random song and dance.

9) Laughter is the best medicine. Besides, you know, actual medicine. Ergo, laughter and medicine are the best medicines. Just don’t attempt laughing whilst taking medicine. This can be a choking hazard.

10) Blood is sexist. I hereby rename it: “hermoglobin.” As in, my hermoglobin levels are excellent.

Well, that’s it, folks! The Foda’s Ten Theoretical Theories of Absolutes. I hope you enjoyed my list.

But before I depart, riddle me this: what absolutes do YOU believe in absolutely? Because in a chaotic and ever-changing world made more turbulent by having a chronic illness, it’s sometimes best to have things that hold firm over time. Just remember that you will change… and so may your absolutes. So try to revisit them from time to time… Unless you want to end up like Darth Vader. Some soul searching before Palpatine gave Luke electro-shock therapy would really have behooved him.

Toodaloo,

The Foda

Musical Parody: Digit Night

Musical Parody: Digit Night 

 Happy April Fools Day, Party People!!!

In honor of this humorous holiday, I decided to post a day early and write a sequel to my first Musical Parody, (“Pudding Legs”) with help from Taio Cruz’s catchy tune “Dynamite”… or as I’ve renamed it, “Digit Night.” (No, not digits as in: I got that girl’s digits, broooo!!!! Digits as in your super fabulous fingers! Bro.) 

Sidebar- is it bad I totally use the same surfer boy voice in my head when writing all my male imitations? But I digress.

This Parody is dedicated to all you special souls finding a way to smile through chronic illness. On this day of mirth and light, I offer you a way to dance the night away, even if your body, like mine, isn’t currently up to party hardy the traditional way. This parody shows how we positive people do it up! Please tweet, pin, share/like the post on The Female Yoda’s Facebook page, or email this link to anyone who’s fighting extra hard right now in their own journey back to health, happiness, and general awesomeness. So without further ado, I present to you: “Digit Night!” Enjoy!

“Digit Night” Lyrics

(To the Tune of “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz) 

Parody Lyrics Written and Performed by The Female Yoda, April 1, 2014 

I like to move, move, move, move

Me and my Foda self like to groove, groove, groove, groove

I used to dance all around the room, room, room, room

When movie credits went all boom, boom, boom, boom

Yeah, Yeah

So if you relate to this song

Why don’t you finger dance along, yeah

I put my hands up in the air sometimes and I’m like oh, no, legs won’t follow!

So now I lie back and I rock the rhyme

With my enchanting finger dancing

So though we don’t go out

We gon’ rock this house

Where digits dance all night

Until our hands get tight

So move them left to right

Do the swivel swirl

And if you’re feeling bold

Do the cha-cha twirl

I rest all day, day, day, day

To get all ready for when we play, play, play, play

I’m making sure to eat all my greens, greens, greens, greens

To keep my fingers all strong and mean, mean, mean, mean

Yeah, Yeah

So if you relate to this song

Why don’t you finger dance along, yeah

I put my hands up in the air sometimes and I’m like oh, no, legs won’t follow!

So now I lie back and I rock the rhyme

With my enchanting finger dancing

So though we don’t go out

We gon’ rock this house

Where digits dance all night

Until our hands get tight

So move them left to right

Do the swivel swirl

And if you’re feeling bold

Do the cha-cha twirl

I’m gonna take them higher

I’m gonna be the best couch dancer

And when I get on fire

They’re gonna swivel better than Usher

‘Cause I, I, I, won’t give up living

And I, I, I, I just want it all

Don’t care if I fall

So dance your fingers up in the air, up in the air

Just put them up in the air, air, air, air, air, air, air

Don’t be scared, yeah, well

I put my hands up in the air sometimes and I’m like oh, no, legs won’t follow!

So now I lie back and I rock the rhyme with my enchanting finger dancing

So though we don’t go out

We gon’ rock this house

Where digits dance all night

Until our hands get tight

So move them left to right

Do the swivel swirl

And if you’re feeling bold

Do the cha-cha twirl

Happy April Fools Day, All! Now to quote Kevin Bacon in Footloose: Let’s Daaaannnccceeee!!!!!

The Foda

Episode XXVI: The Letters I Never Mail Out

Episode XXVI

The Letters I Never Mail Out

 Today’s Words of Wisdom:

 “Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make a soul?”

~John Keats

 The Foda’s Take: This quote totally reinforces my theory that gains gotten without effort and persistence are often not as valuable, nor as long-lived. (And if that’s not true, man, this whole fight against Lyme Disease just got super depressing because I am putting in epic amounts of time and effort!) This henceforth inspired my slightly different format today detailing The Letters I Never Mail Out. Enjoy piping hot with a double espresso and a healthy serving of sarcasm.

Dear Gray Hair,

I was fine when I saw you a few months back. I have, after all, been living a more elderly lifestyle despite my young age. Plus, Stacy London totally pulls it off. But now I see that you have been reproducing…. BEHIND MY BACK. Which, in my opinion, is quite rude, seeing as I was so welcoming when you showed up unannounced and uninvited the first time. Your visitation rights are hereby REVOKED. <Pluck> What? WHAT? What is this??!!! ANOTHER ONE?? 

Traitor. 

*******************************************************************************

 Dear Kitten,

You are only about 8 pounds. And yet you love to wrestle like a rampant bobcat. My arms are beginning to look like I ran naked through a thorn bush. I am clipping your nails. RIGHT NOW. Sniff. Big bully.

Ooooh, look how cute you are when you’re sleeping! I love you again. No, your nails are still getting clipped. Aw, you thought you could get out of it by snuggling up next to me? Adorable. Still getting trimmed.

Love,

Mom

*******************************************************************************

 Dear People Who Complain About Colds,

I laugh at you behind your back. Because you have NO idea what being sick is. But I admit, it’s not very nice of me, this scoffing at your whining Facebook status. Which is why I don’t say it to your face. I just think it. And cluck my tongue at you. And judge you. And, apparently, write it on my blog.

Glad you’re feeling better already,

Me

P.S. No, I’m not bitter at all. Why do you ask? 

*******************************************************************************

Dear HolisticHabits gal on YouTube,

You are fantastic! You give so much wonderful information about how to live a cleaner, healthier life. I had no idea there was more than one type of cinnamon, and that  the kind sold in the NorthEast is not “true” cinnamon, and is actually crazy high in liver-damaging properties when eaten frequently. (Which I do.) I am now the proud owner of REAL cinnamon- Organic Ceylon Cinnamon- and it is DELICIOUS.

Thanks ever so,

My Mouth, Liver, and Taste-buds

*******************************************************************************

 Dear Gluten, Dairy, and Sugar,

I miss you. When will you be in my life again? 

Love,

LymeLadiesWhoLunch

*******************************************************************************

Dear George Lucas,

Kindly Regard This Letter as my formal application for the role of Mara Jade in the continuation of the Star Wars saga. (Which you really should be getting on with, don’t you think?) I believe I would be the perfect candidate to play Luke’s nemesis-turned-wife. Also, I look great in leather and am willing to dye my hair red for the role. I will be expecting your call.

Your biggest fan,

The Female Yoda

P.S. I naturally expect to have in my contract that John Williams will be composing my personal themesong. Please and Thank You.

 

THE END 

 

Episode XX: Pudding Legs

Episode XX: Pudding Legs

 Welcome, folks! I’m changing things up a bit today. Instead of having a Words of Wisdom segment, I have written a lil’ parody called “Pudding Legs” to the tune of “Part of Your World” from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. I was inspired to do this by my own uncooperative legs who just haven’t wanted to hold me up lately. So instead of getting angry at them, I decided to try laughter instead!

This Parody is for everyone dealing with a chronic illness who has ever felt like they have shaky, unreliable “Pudding Legs” holding them up. Share, enjoy, and feel free to use this to serenade your own pudding legs when they’re getting the better of you. It won’t make them stronger, but it may make you smile. Enjoy!

 Click Below To Listen! Lyrics Below. 

 “Pudding Legs”

(To the tune of “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid)

Lyrics Written and Performed by The Female Yoda,  February 20th, 2014

Look at these legs

Aren’t they sweet?

Compare them to custard, and I have them beat

Pudding legs under my weight

Aren’t they- so sedate?

Wobbly and soft just like a rose

You should be glad you don’t stand up on those

Pudding legs wobbling my way

Feeling like styrofoam

I’ve got tendons and skin cells a-plenty

I’ve got ligaments down to the floor

Oh, those fingers and toes? I’ve got twenty.

But who cares? No big deal. I want more!

I wanna stand like the cupcakes stand

Strong and delicious and dense like mortar

Hangin’ around on those- what’s that word again?

Oh. Cookie Sheets.

These pudding legs, they don’t get too far

Flour is required for rising, growing

Raising up tall on your own so you don’t fall

Up where they rise

Up where they grow

Why are these puddings legs so hard to stow

Right under me

Wish I could be

More like that dough

What would I give if I could live out of these wobblers

What would I take to spend a day: cake on a stand

Betchya on toast

Or on a roast

You really get to sink your teeth in

Soft but solid

Now I’m clotted

Down to my toes!

And I wanna go where the donuts go

Happy and cheerful with too much sugar

I’d even take being round to be strong below

Oh, pudding legs

Made up with eggs

Runny and weightless and feel more like pegs

But hopefully

One day I’ll be

More like a tree

 I dedicate this song to all of you out there who have ever had, or have at this time, Pudding Legs. If you know someone with a chronic illness who would understand this parody and could use a smile, please share this post. We Pudding Legs need to stick together. :)

Pudding A Smile On Your Face,

(I just heard half of you groan… yeah, I admit it, that was a pretty bad pun..)

Stay Strong,

The Foda

P.S. Like this musical parody? Check out my latest uptempo parody off Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” transformed to: “Digit Night!” <—- Click the title to hear/watch the Foda’s first music video!