“The Foda’s Ten Theories of Absolutes”
Today’s Words of Wisdom:
“It’s partly true, too, but it isn’t all true. People always think something’s all true.”
~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
The Foda’s Take: Okay, J.D. You got me. I definitely do that. But at the same time, to live in a world of conviction means to live a life awake. Living in passive gradients of grey begets a sleepy life. (Pause as you admire the poetic beauty of that statement. D’joh!) So today I say to Salinger: “absolute power corrupts absolutely!” Oh, wait, that doesn’t support my stance at all….
Hi, folks! I hope you enjoyed last week’s post on cancer, bravery, and Harry Potter by Words from the Sowul writer Leanne Sowul. I was thrilled she agreed to guest post for me, and I couldn’t have been happier with her poignant and heartfelt post.
Now let’s get back to my argument with Salinger. Are you ready for this? Are you sure? Okay, here goes. Dear Salinger: You must not like dogs. Why, you may ask? Because dogs see the world in black and white. And dogs are awesome. Ergo, Salinger dislikes things that are awesome. Love, The Foda. Sidebar: I actually completely agree with him, but go with me here….Discovering our own absolutes: that’s awesome. It allows us to decide with confidence: This or that. Good or bad. Star Wars or Star Trek. So today, instead of getting into why I should be searching for Middle Earth…. (heh. heh heh. Hobbits.) I am going to take this extremist theory and go with it. Which is why I sat down and created my list of ten theoretical theories of absolutes. So here we go!
The Foda’s Ten Theoretical Theories of Absolutes
1) I have a theory that there are two types of women in this world: ones that can pull off hoop earrings, and ones that can’t. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
2) In this world, we have two types of people. Those who go through life asleep, and those who go through life awake. This theory does not apply to narcoleptics.
3) People who believe there is no such thing as a guilty pleasure- just a wide variety of things that can make you smile- are happier, more confident people. Mainly because they don’t associate indulgence with guilt. Which means they have obviously never eaten an entire cheesecake in one sitting.
4) Anyone who tells you that you can only be a cat or a dog person is clearly trying to compensate for something. Mainly, a lack of imagination. I, myself, am a giraffe person.
5) Plants grow better if you talk to them. Plants that talk back should be regarded with caution.
6) Anyone who knows that the first melodic interval of the Star Wars theme-song is a perfect fifth should be rewarded free drinks for life by the Cantina band on Mos Eisley. (If, you know, it was a real place.) Anyone who doesn’t know that is a) not a musician, or b) doesn’t know the movie, which catapults them directly to c) not cool. Geek Power!!!
7) People who march to the beat of their own drum own a drum. Or have very loud shoes.
8) Life would be better if people burst into random song and dance.
9) Laughter is the best medicine. Besides, you know, actual medicine. Ergo, laughter and medicine are the best medicines. Just don’t attempt laughing whilst taking medicine. This can be a choking hazard.
10) Blood is sexist. I hereby rename it: “hermoglobin.” As in, my hermoglobin levels are excellent.
Well, that’s it, folks! The Foda’s Ten Theoretical Theories of Absolutes. I hope you enjoyed my list.
But before I depart, riddle me this: what absolutes do YOU believe in absolutely? Because in a chaotic and ever-changing world made more turbulent by having a chronic illness, it’s sometimes best to have things that hold firm over time. Just remember that you will change… and so may your absolutes. So try to revisit them from time to time… Unless you want to end up like Darth Vader. Some soul searching before Palpatine gave Luke electro-shock therapy would really have behooved him.