Tag Archives: Fear

I Am Dawning

Today I got up before the sun

Breathless

My heart clanging high against my ribs in a rhythmic dance

Like the pots my parents would bang on my return after some great achievement

Fear lurked in each shadowy corner of my room

Stinking like milk left out on the counter

I didn’t know why

My heart clanged high and I didn’t know why it stretched me wide with wary fear

Up I stood

My naked feet padding against the rough nubs of my ancient carpet

Fear following close behind

Why, I asked him

Why are you here

He said nothing

Which only served to remind me that silence can be the scariest sound of all

I emerged into blackness

Turning on lights throughout every room

In hopes the glow would chase him away

The morning air blew frigid from my kitchen window

Trees outlined against the opaque sky like hulking demons

A practice in shadows

Bewitching me

As I floated in the hour between dusk and dawn

Feeling wrong, all wrong

And then at 5:54

The cock crowed

And Fear fled from its cry

As the indigo sky slowly flooded with light

Transforming the heavy canvas into a pale blue sea

And I realized as I sat there

Hot folds of steam wafting from my tea cup and painting my nose and cheeks with its warmth

That I

Trapped within the confines of my mangled body

Ravaged by illness

Have felt proverbially waiting in that witching hour

Frozen just before the dawn

Breathless

As my broken body shudders and transforms into something utterly new

And a smile perked my cheeks in tandem with the rising sun

Words so clear and long forgotten reverberating into the clean morning air

That it is always darkest

Just before the dawn

I took a sip of tea

The soothing liquid cascading down my throat

And I watched the sun rise

Bringing with it a new truth in my heart

I am not my Fear, lurking, obscure in untold shapes

Abstract and unknown

I am the rising sun

And I am

Dawning

“The Antithesis of Fear”

Happy Halloween, everyone! Sorry I’ve been off the grid for the past week or so. So, I’ve been obsessed lately with exploring the concept of “fear” and how it affects our lives when going through a long-term, chronic illness or trauma… perfect timing for Halloween! Here’s a little humorous beat poetry for you with my latest musings on vanquishing a fear-based life. Enjoy!

The Foda :)

“The Antithesis of Fear”

The antithesis of fear isn’t courage; it’s curiosity.

What we are open to

What we question

What we examine with the child-like zeal

Once only reserved for questions like

Why is the sky blue?

Or

How can ladybugs procreate

If they’re all girls?

(Because.. they are not.)

Which begs the question

What idiot named them “lady”bugs?

But I digress

Telling a person not to fear

When their world is under siege

Is like telling a banana not to curve

(Fruitless) <— hehe!

You cannot abolish emotion

Unless you are a hologram

Who likes to read quasi-poetic rambles

Which is a highly unlikely scenario

But you

(Yes, you)

The human

 Can substitute one emotion with another

Like a metaphysical Yankee Swap

Flipping “I fear”

Into

“I wonder”

For fear is an absolute enigma

Ready to ram you like the Rhino it is

But curiosity is the wind

Always changing

Open ended

And just as strong

The antithesis of fear isn’t courage

It’s curiosity

Get some.

“Wampas and Probe Droids and Ferdinand, Oh My”

“Wampas and Probe Droids and Ferdinand, Oh My”

 Today’s Words of Widsom:

 “Everything you want is on the other side of fear”

~Jack Canfield

 The Foda’s Take: This quote makes me think of that awesome scene with Richard Gere as Lancelot in the movie “First Knight” where he defeats the formidable obstacle course that had- quite literally- given the old heave-ho to all who went before him. When asked how he accomplished it, he said it was because he wasn’t afraid to die. To which King Arthur replied: “A man who fears nothing is a man who loves nothing.” Soooo in conclusion… if you love something… today’s Words of Wisdom apply to you. BAM! Foda-ed. (Foda-ed! You know, like “Lawyered”… sigh. So not funny now that I’ve explained it. But to be truthful, you would have really needed to hear me say “Foda-ed” to get it right away… stupid inflectionless print!)

 Hello, friends! So, ever since I saw this quote a week ago, I haven’t been able to get it out of my wee little brain. Mainly because it is currently very relevant to my life. And it may be very relevant to yours. Living through an extended chronic illness, personal trauma, or intense struggle, changes you. It widens the world, banishing all perceptions of teenage invincibility or “that can’t happen to me.” It opens the door. (You know which door I’m talking about, people.) That  door. The one with the monster behind it. That’s right. The Wampa Snow Beast of Fear, all yowling and drooling scarily.

And it makes sense, doesn’t it, that you’d have more fear in your life. Something really bad has happened to you, and now you’re on edge- alert- your radar has suddenly been switched on. You’re like the Empire probe droids dropped on Hoth, scurrying around babbling nonsense as you search for signs of trouble.

Sidebar- anyone else like to try and mimic that monotone robotic dribble from time to time? Just for fun? No? Just me? Ah. Right. Moving on.

So, the point is, when you’re going through a lot, it’s a natural side effect that there will be more fear and more anxiety in your life. After all, you’re probably spending a huge amount of energy every day tamping down those pesky feelings that accompany whatever ails you. And it makes total sense that this wears your down, allowing fear to play a bigger role than it would if you were all fresh out of the bullpen.

Am now thinking of the book “Ferdinand.” Great book. But I digress.

But you’re not fresh out of the bullpen. You’re probably tired and worn down and now you’re scared- scared of what this is doing to your life, scared of how it’s effecting your loved ones, scared that it won’t be over soon. And by you, I do mean me… just to be clear…

So lately I’ve been coming back to this quote. Because I’m not going to stop the fear from coming. It’s a natural response to what’s happening in my body and my life right now. But somehow just recognizing it, remembering that there is a path past it… helps.

And I hope it helps you too.

<Empire Droid Babble>

The Foda

Episode VII: The Ewok Under the Bed

Episode VII

The Ewok Under the Bed

 Today’s Words of Wisdom:

 “Don’t spend a lot of time imagining the worst-case scenario. It rarely goes down as you imagine it will, and if by some fluke it does, you will have lived it twice.”

– Michael J. Fox

 The Foda’s take: “Fear, powerful though it may be, is just a feeling- it’s not a fact.”

– The Foda, circa 2013

(Just in case you wanted to quote me. Admit it. You totally want to.)

 Greetings, friends! Come in, step quietly, make sure the door doesn’t slam behind you…there. That’s better. Why so quiet? Oh, sure, I’ll tell you. After all, you’re in here with me, too.

There’s a monster under my bed. I don’t know what he looks like- I’ve never actually seen him. But I’m sure he’s terrifying. How do I know? Because I’m terrified of him! And I assume that the level of my fear must be equally proportional to the level of his scariness. Wouldn’t you agree? Oh. OH. I see how it is. You think I’m being foolish. You think I should crawl down from the safety of my little ball on my little bed and have a LOOK? Are you MAD?

Sigh. Okay, I’ll look. But first let me tell you how I know he’s going to be a blood-thirsty monster. First of all, bad things happen to me. I’m young, supposedly in the prime of life, and I’ve been unable to just stand up and walk out my front door without worrying how far I’ll make it in years. And I used to be a marathon runner. And now I set the timer to try and make it 5 minutes. So wouldn’t it make sense that more bad things are going to happen? Aren’t I just being realistic and preparing myself for it? You don’t think so? You still think I should look? Okay. FINE. But if I’m mangled and bleeding on the floor, promise- < ugh the floor is cold! >  you’ll tell my family-  < oooh this is soooo stupid >  that I lo—.

Oh.

It’s an Ewok.

Would you look at that.

Just because you’re scared something bad will happen, or will continue to happen, doesn’t mean that it will. Fear is not proof of fact, it’s living in the past, or the future- basically focusing your energy on any moment but right now. And it’s really easy to be scared of horrible events in your past, and horrible things that could happen in your future. And, mind you, I say all this with the utmost humility, because I do this ALL THE TIME. And it needs to stop. So if you, like me, find yourself scared of the unseen monsters under your bed- join me in adding this mantra to your life whenever you find yourself curled up under the covers, unsure of what to do-

Be in this moment. 

One moment at a time. 

I promise, it feels so good to let go. Because you deserve to be happy. And happiness, like fear, is not just a feeling- it can also be a choice. It just may not always FEEL like one.

Yub, yub,

<Ewok speak>

The Foda