Tag Archives: The Female Yoda

Episode XXVI: The Letters I Never Mail Out

Episode XXVI

The Letters I Never Mail Out

 Today’s Words of Wisdom:

 “Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make a soul?”

~John Keats

 The Foda’s Take: This quote totally reinforces my theory that gains gotten without effort and persistence are often not as valuable, nor as long-lived. (And if that’s not true, man, this whole fight against Lyme Disease just got super depressing because I am putting in epic amounts of time and effort!) This henceforth inspired my slightly different format today detailing The Letters I Never Mail Out. Enjoy piping hot with a double espresso and a healthy serving of sarcasm.

Dear Gray Hair,

I was fine when I saw you a few months back. I have, after all, been living a more elderly lifestyle despite my young age. Plus, Stacy London totally pulls it off. But now I see that you have been reproducing…. BEHIND MY BACK. Which, in my opinion, is quite rude, seeing as I was so welcoming when you showed up unannounced and uninvited the first time. Your visitation rights are hereby REVOKED. <Pluck> What? WHAT? What is this??!!! ANOTHER ONE?? 

Traitor. 

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 Dear Kitten,

You are only about 8 pounds. And yet you love to wrestle like a rampant bobcat. My arms are beginning to look like I ran naked through a thorn bush. I am clipping your nails. RIGHT NOW. Sniff. Big bully.

Ooooh, look how cute you are when you’re sleeping! I love you again. No, your nails are still getting clipped. Aw, you thought you could get out of it by snuggling up next to me? Adorable. Still getting trimmed.

Love,

Mom

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 Dear People Who Complain About Colds,

I laugh at you behind your back. Because you have NO idea what being sick is. But I admit, it’s not very nice of me, this scoffing at your whining Facebook status. Which is why I don’t say it to your face. I just think it. And cluck my tongue at you. And judge you. And, apparently, write it on my blog.

Glad you’re feeling better already,

Me

P.S. No, I’m not bitter at all. Why do you ask? 

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Dear HolisticHabits gal on YouTube,

You are fantastic! You give so much wonderful information about how to live a cleaner, healthier life. I had no idea there was more than one type of cinnamon, and that  the kind sold in the NorthEast is not “true” cinnamon, and is actually crazy high in liver-damaging properties when eaten frequently. (Which I do.) I am now the proud owner of REAL cinnamon- Organic Ceylon Cinnamon- and it is DELICIOUS.

Thanks ever so,

My Mouth, Liver, and Taste-buds

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 Dear Gluten, Dairy, and Sugar,

I miss you. When will you be in my life again? 

Love,

LymeLadiesWhoLunch

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Dear George Lucas,

Kindly Regard This Letter as my formal application for the role of Mara Jade in the continuation of the Star Wars saga. (Which you really should be getting on with, don’t you think?) I believe I would be the perfect candidate to play Luke’s nemesis-turned-wife. Also, I look great in leather and am willing to dye my hair red for the role. I will be expecting your call.

Your biggest fan,

The Female Yoda

P.S. I naturally expect to have in my contract that John Williams will be composing my personal themesong. Please and Thank You.

 

THE END 

 

Episode I: Overcoming Chronic Illness: A New Hope

Episode I

Overcoming Chronic Illness: A New Hope

 Today’s Words of Wisdom:

“Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.” 

-Yoda, Episode IV

The Foda’s take: So, like….. don’t….. start.

 Hi there! Come on in and welcome! Welcome to Words of Wisdom on hope and overcoming illness from the Female Yoda. The Foda, if you will. Now I know what you’re thinking. Yoda was a tiny green puppet who dissipated into thin air on the swampy planet of Dagobah. (And if you didn’t know that, really, why are you here?) Thus, the birth of The Foda. I’m tiny, long winded, and rarely say anything in the most direct way possible. Also, I’m wicked wise. And three years ago, I started turning green. Lyme green. Oh, I heard that! Your inner dialogue going: say WHAT?! You heard right. Three years ago I started my journey towards becoming a Lyme-a-been. (But “been” pronounced the British way, like “bean.” As in, one day I will have become a Lyme-a-been, as in, am no longer now…. having…. the Lyme.) Told you speaking oddly I do.

Sidebar- by what percentage would you say a play on words gets less funny when you have to explain it? 

Moving on. Yup, me and my bad self had a tangle with a microscopic woodland creature (sorry, can’t speak four letter words here) and it changed my life forever, putting me into the Lyme light (too soon for puns?) and giving me a condition called Lyme Disease. But, silver lining, it also has gifted me with a journey chock-full of character building experiences. And the green exterior really helps me pull off the whole Foda thing.

So here I am! Spouting off wisdom and finding silvery linings through combating chronic illness- and no, it’s not just the smoke coming off of the murky swamp R2D2 fell in upon arrival. And while I may be slower, more reclusive, and generally living 40 years beyond my age bracket, when all is said and done, no one will be able to say my life wasn’t interesting.

This is my journey. Maybe it’s your journey too. Easy, it is not. But, hey. As Kermit the Frog once said: it’s not easy being green. So come one, come all, fellow Lyme-a-beens and Star Wars fiends. And welcome to the wonderful wise world of the Female Yoda.

 Go Green,

The Foda